I Got Dumped: How I Stopped Spiraling After My Breakup
I’ll admit this post is selfishly motivated. I got dumped, so I thought I’d share how I stopped spiraling after my breakup.
My boyfriend of almost a year dumped me with little explanation, leaving me with intense emotional whiplash. Just a month earlier, he was talking about moving across the country with me and eloping in Hawaii. To this day, I still don’t know how we went from planning a future to going completely no-contact.
The unknown sent me into a downward spiral. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I felt like my brain was short circuiting from trying to understand something that made no sense. Three days post-breakup, I knew I had to make some drastic changes if I wanted to feel like a person again.
What You’ll Learn
- How to stop spiraling and find a neutral emotional place
- Ways to reclaim your identity after a break up
- How to get over your ex – emotionally, physically, and mentally
Step 1: Accept That You’ll Never Get Closure
Let’s get this out of the way: closure is a myth.
Breakups rarely come with satisfying explanations. You can ask every question and replay every conversation, and still be left with pieces that don’t fit. Especially if your ex said confusing things like mine did – “You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had” followed by “I don’t want to wake up one day and resent you.”
That kind of mixed messaging is emotional whiplash. It keeps you stuck because part of you will always be hanging on for an explanation, keeping you tethered to the relationship. The only way to get closure is to stop asking the why’s and what ifs.
Closure isn’t something someone can give you. It’s something you give yourself.
Step 2: Create Distance
The best thing you can do for yourself is to create as much distance (physical, electronic, emotional, and mental) from your ex as possible. You don’t need to stay friends, you don’t need to keep texting, you don’t need to hang on to the life you’ve built. Unless you are co-parenting or running a business together, there is no reason to stay in contact.
Think of this like a cleanse – cleanse your house, phone, and socials of your ex. This may feel immature, but it’s the healthiest thing you can do. It’s infinitesimally more difficult to get over your ex when you’re staring at pictures of all the good times for hours on end.
When to do this: First 48 hours
Remove the Visual Reminders
I’m sorry – but you can’t keep their clothes. Returning personal items is one of the first steps to severing the tie between you and your ex. Text them where you’ve dropped off their stuff (and nothing else – I’m serious, no declarations of gratitude or love) and move on.
When to do this: Ideally within first 5 days post break up
Return Any Reminders
It’s important to go through the pain and sorrow that you feel during a break up – but there are limits. It’s not productive to sit in bed and cry for a week straight. It doesn’t help you in any capacity. So let yourself cry or think about the good times, but put a timer on it. This lets you create emotional and mental distance.
When to do this: 24 hours post break up
Let Yourself Grieve – with Limits
Pack Your Bags
Seriously – if your finances and schedule allow it, leave. Whether you book a trip to a tropical beach or visit family (like I did), getting out of the place that is seeped in memories of your ex does wonders. Give yourself emotional breathing room if you can, but if you can’t, make sure you leave the house at least once a day, even if only for a few minutes.
When to do this: Within one week of breaking up.
Step 3: Mute the Revenge Body Narrative
You don’t need to lose 10 pounds or suddenly become hot on Instagram to prove your worth. You are already enough. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who only realizes what they’ve lost after you lose weight.
You deserve better.
Do yourself a favor and ignore the pressure from social media: move your body for you – not for an ex that isn’t in your life anymore.
When to do this: Immediately
Step 4: Get a Hobby (Or Two)
You need an activity to occupy your mind, because sitting at home binging Netflix isn’t going to cut it.
I joined a run club and started painting (I highly recommend the paint by numbers sets on Amazon), booked new workout classes, and enrolled in pottery workshops. It’s my personal philosophy that adopting two different hobbies is the best way to go:
1) one hobby that gets you moving, either alone or with others, and
2) one hobby that encourages you to make something or do something with your hands.
Ideally, these hobbies are independent of things you did with your ex, but the only main requirement is that you enjoy them and occupy your mind.
When to do this: No later than 72 hours post break up
Step 5: Schedule a Weekly “Date” Night
Take yourself out to a new wine bar or gather your friends at least once a week – don’t shut yourself into your house for weeks at a time. If you get the itch to download the dating apps again, do it. The point is that you still deserve to go out every week and do something nice for yourself, whether that’s alone or with the people who already love you.
Step 6: Accept That Healing is Nonlinear
Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix to heartbreak. No one thing will heal your heart in a week, but doing these small things can help you reclaim yourself and stop you from spiraling after a brutal break up.
Still Hurting?
Some break ups are devastating and completely turn your world upside down. If you find yourself struggling, there are resources you can use:
National Suicide Hotline (988 Hotline): Dial 988 or text 988 if you are experiencing thoughts of harming yourself.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Dial 1-800-799-7233 or text “BEGIN” to 88788 if you or someone you know needs help.
Final Thoughts
Break ups may be the end to a loving relationship, but it doesn’t have to be the end of loving yourself. The best thing you can do for yourself is to remind yourself that you are worthy of love and to find new ways to expand your life through new experiences or new people.
